It took six months of knowing I needed to do it, one uninterrupted week of the flu, and a near-breakdown, but I did it. I quit my job.
Not all the way, mind you. I guess I stopped short of that. But I quit being a supervisor, and I quit working full time. My actual status at that job is up in the air at this point; there are still some decisions to be made. But finally, finally I am not a raving, panicked, frantic maniac about it. It will all work out fine.
I really got to be sort of nuts in that job. The supervisor thing, in particular, was way off base for me. It's not that I couldn't do it; I was learning my way around the ropes, and I was actually starting to get a feel for it. But the more I settled in, the more my soul started screaming. Sometimes my soul simmered down to a low moan, but it never did shut up. See, that's the wrong job for me. The whole place is the wrong job. It's important, interesting, well-paying, well-benefited, and still the wrong fucking job.
So I will get another job. Ah, wasn't that easy? No problem--it only took seven relentless flat-backed flu-ridden days on the couch, wherein I could barely even sit up never mind attend to anything, for my head to finally crack. The resistance to the simple knowledge that it's time to move on was just incredible. I mean, what will I say to people? Tomorrow's my first day back after a sudden and extended departure, and I have no idea what I'll say. I have a few quick phrases lined up, things like "I need to be home with my family" or "It was time to make a change." These phrases will do the job for most people, who really don't care anyway.
For those who won't settle for a pat answer, well, I suppose they'll be as in the dark as I am. Because the truth is, I don't know why I quit my job. I only know I had to. And now that I have, it's as if a seeping poison is finally draining away, or as if an attack of asthma is subsiding, and I'm beginning to breathe again.
I never was cut out for career life. It's good to know that at least in this regard, I am consistent.